Esther Perel

Perel is Jewish, the daughter of two Polish-born Holocaust survivors. She was raised in Antwerp, Belgium and attended the Hebrew University of Jerusalem in Israel.[7][8] She grew up amongst Holocaust survivors in Antwerp, and noted two groups around her: "those who didn't die, and those who came back to life".[4] She observed that "those who didn't die were people who lived tethered to the ground, afraid, untrusting. The world was dangerous, and pleasure was not an option. You cannot play, take risks, or be creative when you don't have a minimum of safety, because you need a level of unself-consciousness to be able to experience excitement and pleasure. Those who came back to life were those who understood eroticism as an antidote to death."[4][9]

Perel subsequently trained in psychodynamic psychotherapy before finding a professional home in family systems theory.[10] She initially worked as a cross-cultural psychotherapist with couples and families. For 13 years she was a clinical instructor at the New York University School of Medicine.[11]

Perel has also worked as an actress (appearing in the 2017 film, Newness, as herself) and run a clothing boutique in Antwerp.[8]

Perel in Boston in 2017

Perel is married to Jack Saul, Assistant Professor of Clinical Population and Family Health at Columbia University Mailman School of Public Health, with whom she has two sons.[12]

Perel argues that, due to trends such as the secularization of Western society, the rise of individualism, and the societal "mandate" for personal happiness, the expectations for romantic relationships are higher than ever:[13]

Never before have our expectations of marriage taken on such epic proportions. We still want everything the traditional family was meant to provide—security, children, property, and respectability—but now we also want our partner to love us, to desire us, to be interested in us. We should be best friends, trusted confidants, and passionate lovers to boot.[14]

She also notes the ideals of modern marriage are often contradictory: "We want our chosen one to offer stability, safety, predictability, and dependability—all the anchoring experiences. And we want that very same person to supply awe, mystery, adventure, and risk."[14] Perel calls for a more open and honest discussion of monogamy to reconcile this conflict between the erotic and the domestic.

Perel is the host of two podcasts: Where Should We Begin? and How's Work?

• Where Should We Begin? brings the listeners inside Perel's therapist's office as she sees anonymous couples in search of insight on everything from infidelity to sexlessness to grief. The unique format combines live recordings of the therapy session, with Perel's reflections on what she heard, and what techniques she tried.[15][16] The New York Times writes: "it feels more like an unraveling mystery story than a relationship advice show."[17] The couples include both heterosexual and same-sex couples. The first episode aired on Audible in May 2017, and became publicly available on iTunes on October 9, 2017.[18] Three seasons have been released as of December 2019. Where Should We Begin? received a 2018 Gracie Award.[19]
• How's Work? is Perel's second podcast. It follows a format similar to the couples therapy session in Where Should We Begin? — but this time the couple seeking Perel's advice are cofounders or colleagues, navigating the challenges that play out in work relationships.[20][21] HuffPost describes each episode as a "one-time therapy session between Perel and various co-founders, members of family businesses and partners with a thriving operation but deteriorating relations on the job."[22] As described in one review: "The podcast aims to shine light on the things that form us as individuals and how those things relate to life in the workplace. Because, honestly, a lot of people hold their careers and workplace relationships as dearly and tightly as they do their romantic relationships."[23] How's Work? is created by Gimlet Media, and available exclusively on Spotify.[24] The show first aired in November 2019.[25]

• Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence (2006, Harper, ISBN 978-0060753634)
• The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity (2017, Harper, ISBN 978-0062322586)

• 2016: Named to Oprah Winfrey's Supersoul 100 list of visionaries and influential leaders.[26]

• In search of Erotic Intelligence: Reconciling our desire for comfortable domesticity and hot sex
• Sexual Genius: An Interview With Esther Perel
• Esther Perel on Mating in Captivity

• Official website
• Esther Perel at TED
  • "The secret to desire in a long-term relationship" (TEDSalon NY2013)
  • "Rethinking infidelity ... a talk for anyone who has ever loved" (TED 2015)
• Articles by Esther Perel at Huffington Post