Crazy as a Soup Sandwich

“As certain as death and taxes, we are told the meek will definitely inherit the earth. Perhaps, but not always. Consider if you will, Mr. Arky Lochner, a well-known petty crook, sidebar: six for fiver Shylock, registered coward, and owner of a yellow streak so vivid it could be slathered on a hot dog. Now Mr. Lockner was written out of the will when the meek were guaranteed their inheritance. And just now, he's trying to avoid another kind of payoff. A soulful payoff, in that off track betting parlor we call... the Twilight Zone.”

A petty con man named Arky Lochner fumbles and stumbles down a dark alley with something following him. A demonic creature in the shape of a cloud claims in rather colorful language that Arky is a fool and shouldn't have tried to outwit him. Arky claims he has two days before the demon has the right to do anything to him. In the demon's moment of indecision, Arky runs off and into Nino's Toys and Imports. He runs into the office of Mr. Nino Lancaster and begs Nino for help from the demon, even though he owes Nino a great deal of money. Arky tries to explain that the money lent to him by Nino was spent to make a deal with a demon named Volkerps to pick horse winners in exchange for his soul. The only problem is the horses all died as they crossed the finish line, either packed full of dope or due to other maladies which caused Arky to lose despite the horses' win.

Nino, oddly enough, doesn't appear surprised and decides to help Arky. First, Nino wants to know how Arky found this demon and Arky claims beauty shop owner Cassandra Fishbein located the demon for him. When she refuses to help, Nino finds a way to persuade her and demands a meeting with Volkerps immediately. Cassandra calls on Volkerps but he kills her and then turns his eyes to Nino. Arky runs out of the shop with one of Nino's goons, and they go back to the toy and import building, thinking that Nino is dead. But Nino arrives and adjusts himself - smoke rising from his suit. Apparently, Nino managed to get away but just barely, and he sends his goons to get a hundred gallons of lead paint to cover every inch of the office - ten times over. Nino then leaves to procure an item that will defeat the demon.

Nino returns with a small stone box and waits for Volkerps to arrive around midnight. As the clock strikes midnight, Volkerps appears in the office in a flash of light, and Nino tells him to cancel the contract with Arky to avoid a severe punishment. Volkerps laughs at this, but Nino has Arky and his secretary close the door. Then Nino pulls something out of the stone box and uses it to strike Volkerps with bolts of energy which hurts the demon. Then Nino uses the bolts of energy to drive Volkerps into confinement within the stone box. Apparently, Nino had dealt with Volkerps' father and trapped him within the box too. Now, all Arky has to do is make a deal with Nino, whose eyes begin glowing, revealing to Arky that Nino is also a supernatural being.

Oh, Arky, Arky. Poor Mr. Lochner. In the magical, mystical bookie parlor we call the Twilight Zone, there's an old, old, very old saying: "Making a deal with a demon is seriously crazy. But making a deal with a master of demons, well, that's crazy as a soup sandwich."

The episode's teleplay later appeared in Ellison's short story collection Slippage. The New York Times described the screenplay as "whimsical".[1] K.C. Locke gave "Crazy as a Soup Sandwich" a mixed review, stating that it would have been better represented in comic-book form as opposed to screenplay form. However, Locke also commented that the story does keep with the theme of the collection, and that "the teleplay...is almost as much, and in some cases more, fun than Mr. Ellison's more-traditional presentation of the story."[2]

In 1991, the screenplay was adapted into a segment of NOW Comics' Twilight Zone comic book, illustrated by artist Neal Adams, whom Ellison personally asked for.[3][4] In an interview, Ellison said that working with Adams was difficult. Ellison stated that the two would often argue over which minor details to include in the comic, describing Adams as being "even more obstinately singleminded" than he is.[4] However, he would still work with Adams again if given the chance.[4][5]

• "Crazy as a Soup Sandwich" at IMDb
• "Crazy as a Soup Sandwich" at TV.com