Porterhouse Blue

The central characters are Skullion, the Head Porter; Zipser, a research graduate student; Sir Godber Evans, the Master; Lady Mary, the Master's wife; the Dean; and Mrs. Biggs, Zipser's bedder.

Cover of Porterhouse Blue paperback by Pan

For the first time in five hundred years, the master of Porterhouse fails to name his successor on his deathbed before dying. He succumbs to a Porterhouse Blue - a stroke brought about by overindulgence in the college's legendary cuisine. Sir Godber Evans is appointed as his successor. Sir Godber, egged on by his zealous wife, Lady Mary, announces sweeping changes to the centuries of college tradition, much to the concern of Skullion and the Fellows, who plan a counter-attack on the proposed contraceptive machines, women students, and canteen.

Meanwhile, the only research graduate student in the college, Zipser, visits the hard-of-hearing Chaplain and explains his fixation for Mrs Biggs, his middle-aged, large-breasted bedder, through a megaphone, and is therefore overheard by the whole college. Mrs Biggs is not within earshot, but nevertheless senses that something is up from Zipser's awkward behaviour around her every time she comes to clean his room and especially when she teases him sexually, the climax of which is when she asks him to help her take off her bright red PVC raincoat from behind, in the tight confines of the "gyp".

While Sir Godber congratulates himself on having defeated the traditionalists, investigative journalist Cornelius Carrington is brought in on the pretext of helping both parties, while secretly having his own agenda.

Meanwhile, having been advised to pick up a foreign student, so as to avoid his lust for Mrs Biggs, Zipser after a series of frustrating attempts to buy condoms, accidentally acquires two large boxes. Concerned that he has technically stolen them, he tries many ways to get rid of them and eventually inflates them with gas from the gas fire in his room and floats them up the chimney, not realising that some get stuck in the chimney and the rest float down into the college court. Fearing for the good name of college, Skullion spends the night bursting the inflated condoms.

Mrs Biggs has decided to reciprocate Zipser's passion, and sneaks up to Zipser's room in the middle of the night and wakes him up. To his amazement she undresses and, despite his protests, promptly enters his bed and lies on top of him. Unfortunately, while undressing, she has lit the gas fire, which takes a short while to ignite the inflated condoms stuck in the chimney, causing an explosion that demolishes the Bull Tower and kills her and Zipser in their moment of passion.

Skullion refuses to open the main gates of college to let the fire engines in and continues to burst the inflated condoms; partly as a consequence he is fired. Skullion visits the bank and discovers his nest egg of shares inherited from a previous master is worth a fortune. He takes his revenge by giving a shocking revelatory interview on Carrington's live television show. Skullion pleads with Sir Godber to be reinstated, but is refused. Skullion pushes Sir Godber, causing him to fall and sustain a mortal injury. Skullion quickly leaves. Two senior academics find the dying Sir Godber who whispers them one word: Skullion. They agree that, in accordance with college tradition, Skullion has been named the new Master of Porterhouse.

When Skullion is visited by the college officials with the good news, he thinks they have found out his involvement with Sir Godber's death and whilst they are telling him about his great fortune, he has a debilitating Porterhouse Blue himself, becoming totally paralysed. Nonetheless, he is installed as the Master and his shares are sold for rebuilding the Bull Tower, so Porterhouse's traditions are firmly re-established.

• Tom Sharpe
• Grantchester Grind
• Poppleton University
• List of fictional Cambridge colleges

• Porterhouse Blue (1987) (TV) at IMDb
• "Porterhouse Blue (The first book in the Porterhouse Blue series)". fantasticfiction.co.uk. Retrieved 2009-03-31. A list of book editions.
• "British TV Comedy - Porterhouse Blue". phill.co.uk. Retrieved 2009-03-31.
• "TV Cream - Porterhouse Blue". tvcream.co.uk.
• Hardback. 1989. ISBN 0-87113-279-6.
• Hardback. 1979. ISBN 0-436-45802-0.
• Paperback. 1976. ISBN 0-330-24667-4.