Platinum Grit

Although officially declared non-canon by Trudy Cooper, this story features Jeremy, Nils, and Zeigfreid, more or less as they appear in the official Platinum Grit storyline (although Jeremy exhibits a notably different personality and relationship with Nils). The story concerns their inter-dimensional tourist service, D-Tours, and their efforts to eliminate their rivals, Dunsinane Day-Trippers. Hyperspace travel is carried out in a vehicle called "the Skip," which resembles a small RV with jet engines mounted to it. Early official issues of Platinum Grit make allusions to events and themes from this story, notably using the Skip for transportation several times (all off-panel), but no explicit references to any events in this story are ever made. However, in episode six, while Jeremy is telling Kate about Nils, he alludes to a former tour company which he and Nils used to run.

On a dare, Aquarius decides to kill all those born under his sign, which includes both Jeremy and his Aunt Lottie. Anticipating her death, Lottie MacConnor summons her nephews Jeremy and Dougal to the castle to set the inheritance in order. Only after Jeremy (with Nilson in tow) arrives does he learn that sole ownership of the family fortune will pass to the winner of a duel to the death at dawn. Nilson, seeing that she could move in if Jeremy inherits, urges him to stay and fight, even helping him train for the duel, with groceries! Yet by the end of the day, Jeremy is not much closer to being ready for the coming sword fight. Before he goes to sleep, and while he tries to write a parting letter to her, Nilson comes in and consoles him, assuring Jeremy that he will be able to defy fate.

While awaiting a suicidal morning duel with his cousin Dougal, Jeremy is visited in the night by the succubus that visited him in his dreams when he was a young boy. She informs Jeremy that she has come to help prevent the death of the Aquarians the next day and the two embark on a surreal journey into the heavens. Meanwhile, Nilson is trying to come up with a way to keep Jeremy from being killed by Dougal in the fight, by any means necessary (there weren't a great many rules laid down). Before long, Jeremy has the Zodiac in chaos, preventing them from performing their appointed duties the next day. Now instead of all born under the sign of Aquarius dying, only Jeremy will die in the duel. As the appointed hour approaches, Jeremy and Nilson hit upon a plan to rig the hall where the fight will take place with a number of large, heavy objects suspended from the roof. Only after being run through with a broadsword does Jeremy's plan work and Nilson releases a grand piano on Dougal's head. Despite this, it is apparent that Jeremy will survive and Nilson will move in.

In the wake of his victorious duel with Dougal, Jeremy and Nilson move into Castle MacConnor. Despite being run through with a broadsword, Jer insists on only using gaff-tape for his wounds. Nils sets a pumpkin atop Dougal's headless body (gaff-tape again) and places him at a bus stop, arousing the suspicions of a private investigator named Richard "Jack" Leaderboard. Jack proceeds to snoop about the castle as Nils and Jer move in, but narrates in a hokey, over-the-top style as he recounts the events at his typewriter. Nilson wears out Jeremy by forcing him to move furniture around which lays him up in bed under doctor's orders to have "no excitement". Nilson disregards these orders and dresses up as a naughty nurse. Jack meanwhile is fantasizing about Nils as some femme fatale from Dick Tracy as he tries to solve Dougal's "murder". Intercut are Jeremy's memories of Uncle Angus as a lifelong bachelor scientist. The story climaxes as Nilson attempts to give Jeremy a sponge bath resulting in him passing out as his wounds reopen somewhat. Jack, thinking that some sort of evil spirits are behind Dougal's death and now an attempt on Jeremy, rushes to Jer's rescue and performs a voodoo ritual that leaves Jeremy covered in blackened pig fat. Of course Jer simply wakes up on his own as Nilson prepares the place for a housewarming party. . .

Jeremy and Nilson get liquored up waiting for their friends to come to a castlewarming party. Unbeknownst to them, some group of interplanetary space aliens have lifted Castle MacConnor into outer space, intent on arranging some sort of bizarre dinner-date between Jer and Nils. The aliens are puzzled at the even more bizarre relationship Nils and Jer have, in all its surreal humor, prompting the chief of them to take matters into his own hands.

The comic opens with a view inside Jeremy's mind, with his consciousness arguing with itself while Nilson, under the mind control of match making space aliens, rips off his trousers. The dinner-date is crashed by a platoon of space marines, with a troope of Las Vegas type showgirls in tow. As the aliens and the marines engage in a firefight, Jeremy confesses to Nilson that as a boy, he altered Uncle Angus's equipment to broadcast into the heavens a message requesting help meeting girls. With the firefight wiping out both the space marines and the match-making aliens, Nils and Jer crash-land in Greenland, castle and all.

While researching an article for her magazine, globetrotting journalist Kate Provoczki visits "scenic" Greenland. The issue is narrarated in the past tense, as Kate recounts the entire adventure for us, her lucky readers. It is here that she finds Jeremy next to the side of the road, naked in the snow. Her narrative betrays a strong neo-feminist attitude yet she is not heartless to the needs of a cold, naked human (even if he is a man). As we learn, Jer and Nilson had a squabble as they tried to make their way from the wreck of a castle. At the same time as we find this out, Kate is "sharing" her article with us, describing the signs that a relationship is unhealthy; the implication is unmistakable, Jer and Nils are locked in an abusive relationship, albeit with the gender roles reversed. In any case, Kate and Jeremy are now on a roadtrip around the world with stop including (but not limited to) Denmark, Tijuana, Alabama (or was it Arkansas?), and Amsterdam before finally back to Loch Snuff in Australia. The entire trip, which apparently lasts for months, Kate and Jeremey trade stories about their lives. Kate in particular is interested in Nilson, who she is, what she is doing with Jer, etc. Along the way, Jeremy gets sidetracked into the Mexican desert, Kate makes Jer play at being a model, Jeremy picks up a small pig Kate dubs "Arthur", and Kate tries to figure out just why Jeremy behaves the way he does. Only upon getting back home do we find out the bizarre truth, Nilson and Kate are cousins. Jeremy of course is absolutely floored.

Jeremy wakes up from a nightmare about his cousin Dougal in his bed next to Loch Snuff, out in the open. Zeigfried has gone to Greenland and begun mailing back the entire castle. Nilson and Kate, reunited after two and a half years, go out to enjoy the nightlife together again. Jer, left to his own devices, has fun reconstructing the castle, playing with Arthur and chatting with Raoul. Meanwhile, a strange person is spying on Jeremy, videotaping him while adding a running commentary. Jeremy is convinced that it's Dougal prowling around, returned for vengeance. As Nilson and Kate tease one another about Jer and hang out at a club, Jeremy is firebombed by the stranger.

This flashback issue explains how Jeremy and Nilson first met. Two-and-a-half years ago, Nilson was at a party one night, bored stiff. While she was getting hit on by idiot men, Jeremy was in the apartment next door, working on some sort of project for university. In the middle of welding something, Jeremy's project explodes, sending him flying through the wall into the party and knocking out the electricity. Jeremy meekly apologizes and returns home, discovering with a start that Nilson has followed him over. She falls asleep on his couch with Jer while chatting but somehow sends a message to him while he is in class the next day, arranging to meet the next evening at the zoo to steal a seal. Later that day, Jeremy smuggles some equipment into the zoo and meets up with Nils near midnight. In the attempt to get away, Jeremy's cache of explosives (rigged to look like animals) accidentally goes off. Jeremy and Nilson escape in the chaos while the zookeeper tries in vain to save the animals. Jer awakes the next morning to find Nils splashing in the tub with the seal and her belongings sitting in the hall way. Nilson has moved in.

Nilson awakens after a wild night with "Kyle" to find Kate gone. Kate finds the castle in smoldering ruins and surrounded by police tape. The readers get to find out who the stalker is: the former zookeeper from the zoo that Jer and Nils bombed over two years ago. After the incident she became mentally unhinged and is now running around with a video camera pretending to be a journalist/nature-show-host. Her tapes reveal that she has been secretly filming Jeremy as he rebuilds the castle. The former zookeeper throws a Molotov cocktail into the castle to flush out Jer, only to discover his elaborate set-up, so she telephones the police, who come and arrest him for arson, grave-robbing, carrying a concealed weapon, and resisting arrest, which Kate and Nilson discover in the morning. Unexpectedly, the video shows a strange black car pull up to the castle and take away Jeremy. The local police cannot disclose who took him away, so Kate and Nils just go back to the castle and get stinking drunk. The former zookeeper, on the other hand, tracks down the MacConnor family's private sanitorium, where Jeremy is being held. There, she abducts and substitutes herself for the new nurse, in order to get footage for her "documentary".

Jeremy tries to write some outgoing mail in between torture sessions, Nilson and Kate track him down and uncover the zookeeper's "documentary" tapes, and Aunt Lottie informs Terrence that Jeremy will be given a "final chance."

Nilson gets stinking drunk while Morely contemplates what to do with Jeremy next. The zookeeper finally loses it and Zeigfreid returns from Greenland to pull out the big guns. The story comes to a crashing close as Nilson and Kate decide to get Jeremy back the hard way.

The issue opens with a small vignette of Jeremy and Nilson in period dress arguing in pseudo-Shakespearean dialogue over whether he should get naked in a mud puddle (somewhat reminiscent of Puss in Boots). We return to the central story-line with Kate narrating her return to work after a trip around the world (see Episode Six). Her editor rejects virtually all her ideas, so Kate, in a move of exasperation, suggests that the magazine print some pornography. Unexpectedly, she says yes, leaving Kate stuck at home trying to write it. Meanwhile, back at Loch Snuff, Jeremy and Nilson have a food fight, then a rush for the shower, which Jer narrowly wins. Nilson, not to be outdone, traps him outside on a ledge after his shower in nothing but a towel. She insists that he either take it off, or describe a something so lurid that it excites her within five minutes. His only permitted "out" is to ask Kate on the phone for advice. She takes pity on him and rattles off something quite steamy but Jeremy is far too embarrassed to actually recite it, so he "takes the plunge" in an unexpected way.

Kate gets sick and tired of how Nilson walks all over Jeremy while also sleeping around with any man she comes across. So Kate asks Jer out on a date. Jeremy doesn't know what to make of it, especially since Nils tells him that Kate is only going out with him out of pity. Jeremy awkwardly stumbles about but loosens up after a few drinks. Nilson, however is lonely in the castle all night so she dumps all of Jeremy's stuff in the Loch in retaliation for him not coming home early. Jeremy and Kate have a blast but he passes out before things go too far. Although Kate accidentally discovers something about Jeremy right afterward.

The morning after the date Kate is woken by a phone call from Raoul, the talking cupboard. This drives Jeremy in a panic back to the castle. Kate tries to talk to Jeremy, but even a lack of car does not stop him. Kate reluctantly goes after Jeremy, and back at the castle is open for Nils's interrogation. Although Nils smugly guesses nothing happens, Kate answers back with a comment hinting about what she discovered under Jeremy's kilt. Nils blames 'ghosts' for taking Jeremy's stuff and putting it into the lake. Unfortunately, when Jeremy goes in after them he is grabbed by the Loch Snuff Monster - a long-limbed slim humanoid. Jeremy manages to free himself by stabbing it with a dirk from his outfit, and runs back inside. Kate is incensed that Jeremy falls for Nils's plays for sympathy, and worse at finding out the panic was due to the fall of a standing stone into the lake. However, Jeremy is too distracted to be reasoned with, and Kate is resigned to using the spa with Nils instead. Jeremy is suffering the effects of the attack, chilled to the bone, and goes to the bathroom to freshen up. Instead he is attacked through the sink by the monster. Jeremy escapes again (just) and realises the spa where the girls have gone may not be the safest of places. He rescues them in time, but is dragged under himself. The monster is invisible to the others and Jeremy is out cold before Nils thinks to rescue her friend and pull him out of harm's way. When Jeremy comes too, nursed by Nils and Kate, he realises that Nils has gotten new glasses for him by discovering his uncle Angus's old workshop.

Nils mocks Kate into leaving while Jeremy dwells on thoughts of his uncle. The doctor mysteriously appears looking at where the standing stone used to reside. However, this only goes observed by Arthur the pig as Jeremy and Nils are preoccupied with Uncle Angus's suddenly appearing workshop. Jeremy starts to experiment to discover exactly what the monster wants, and exactly the limits to its movement and powers around the castle. As this is through directly confronting the monster using various bodily fluids in various media, Jeremy's health begins to deteriorate. Nils is shut out of the experimentation process, compensates by digging up the standing stones mysteriously appearing in and out of the castle. Meanwhile, Kate's attempts at helping with clothing and food also fall flat. When the girls try to intercede, Ziegfried ejects them but not before they see one of the experiments, and Kate finally sees the invisible monster. Or doesn't see it. Spurred into action, Nils knocks Jeremy out cold and then plants the first 'suitable' standing stone she can find in the position the old one was located. However, the stone appears to be the now petrified body of Auntie Lottie that Nils dug up. As Nils proudly stands showing off the stone, Jeremy spots the Loch Snuff Monster behind her.

The monsters goes for Jeremy not Nils, but despite Nils's best efforts the monster closes in. The doctor comes to the rescue, cutting the creature only Jeremy can see and rubbing salt into the wound. The doctor cannot believe what has been done with Lottie's corpse, although realises it was not on purpose. However, clearly Nils had made things worse. Meanwhile, Kate looks on from a distance clearly feeling the outsider in Jeremy's life. The four come together to discuss the situation. The doctor reveals the standing stone was a ward stone, and that its removal into the Loch combined with the iron skip of Jeremy's clothes has freed the monster but is keeping it enraged and focused on Jeremy. The doctor indicates his knowledge of the family matters, but does not help Jeremy as he has no clue to them. The plan finally concocted becomes placing Jeremy as bait at the iron-grate covered spa, away from the loch while the wardstone is freed by Kate. Kate is warned not to provoke the monster by touching the skip, but the wardstone is trapped under it. Moving the skip enrages the Loch Snuff Monster and it leaves Jeremy to go after the girls. Nils is standing onshore in Jeremy's hat, and so the monster throws the freed skip at her knocking her out. As the monster moves in for the kill, Jeremy grabs the hat and jumps into the lake buying Kate and the rest time to re-position the wardstone. The monster is placated again, and Nils regains consciousness only for the group to realise Jeremy is lost in the lake and has not resurfaced. The doctor is ahead of the group, and manages to get Jeremy out. A subdued Ziegfried and Kate comfort themselves with a coffee and cigarette while Nils lies in bed with a comatose Jeremy, sadly scolding and reading to him. Meanwhile, at the wardstone a small fissure appears.

Jeremy is still in a coma after his final showdown with the Loch Snuff Monster. Nilson copes with the situation by reading children's books to him, inventing new mixed-drinks, playing Mexican hat dance with potted plants, and pretending to repair Kate's car. Kate explores the castle and compiles a list of important questions she has for Jer. She also severely neglects her work and her boss. Jeremy's 'coma' is revealed to be ether induced by the doctor and others who obviously have plans for Jeremy. However, Nils is present when he begins to stir again and Jeremy regains consciousness properly when he has a vivid dream of Dougal strangling him. Kate discovers that she, along with her colleagues, has been made redundant. She angrily confronts Jeremy through a closed bathroom door, but when he comes out of the shower dressed only in a towel, she is too confused and embarrassed by her prior knowledge of his anatomy from Episode 13, stunned by her lack of work, and realises she needs to leave.

Kate returns to her house to find the door open. She goes into the house, and receives a shock. Meanwhile, with the castle restored and monsters beaten, Jeremy and Nils go back to their 'normal' lives. Jeremy plays rockets with Arthur the pig, while Nils tries to 'relieve the previous tensions' in her room alone. Unfortunately for Nils, nothing seems to work and distractions abound. However, the life around Loch Snuff is far from normal - a voice is heard talking to itself admiring the pig by the wardstone. The doctor and several key persons gather in a clandestine meeting at the castle to discuss the situation of Jeremy in cryptic words. A woman called Joan, who apparently expects to own the castle soon, is amongst them. Terms such as the 'sacrifice' and 'harvest' are discussed, and the petrification of Aunt Lottie and the tearing of the veil. Nils finally calls it quits after she cannot even get peace 'by herself' in Mr Morley's car, accidentally sounding the horn. Instead she decides to relieve the boredom by hotwiring the car and taking Jeremy into town to look at antiques. On the way Jeremy expresses his confusion at what he has done to make Kate her angry, seeking advice. Unfortunately for him, Nils is as tormenting as ever. It is Nils's turn to be wound up at the antiques shop, as Mr Pacey the owner gives Jeremy a clock to fix. With nothing to distract Nils, her tensions rise again with every innocent and not so innocent reminder. When even Jeremy, covered in lubricant, starts to look attractive Nils rushes from the store to go 'shopping', seeking relief from a helpful man in a music shop across the street. However, Nils still finds herself unable to let go of frustrations until she happens to catch sight of Jeremy across the road through the windows. Obviously freaked out, Nils chickens out of waiting for Jeremy to come out of the antiques' store, leaving a message for Jeremy to go without her and meet her at Kate's later. When Jeremy drives to Kate's though, he is met at the door by a mysterious man who knows not only Kate, but knows Kate's exploits with a polaroid camera up Jeremy's kilt.

In a series of flashbacks, we see Jeremy as a child, talking with his uncle about why they can't go in the ocean. Jeremy's parents arrive, and it is revealed that Jeremy's father is extraordinarily indifferent towards his own child. Jump to the present, and it is revealed that Kate's visitor is her gay brother Andre. They have a meal together, which involves a fair bit of scotch, and Kate expresses her confusion and frustration regarding Jeremy to Andre, who points out how convoluted and confusing the whole situation is (without knowing all the supernatural details). When Jer does arrive, Andre proceeds to defend Kate's honor (having found the polaroid shot from their date night). After some awkward back and forth, Jeremy shows Kate the note from Nilson. Kate thinks she is blowing them all off to disappear for a couple years again, which distresses Jeremy. Meanwhile, at the castle, a ceremony begins involving mysterious vials of fluid, interspersed with the continuing conversation at Kate's. As the ceremony progresses, Jeremy's personality completely changes several times, culminating in him turning to ice, whispering, "Help me."

Kate and Andre attempt to defrost Jeremy, then give up and take him back to the castle, looking for Doctor Cottington. Meanwhile, Nilson goes for an evening swim in her bra & panties and somehow is in two places simultaneously. Things get even weirder when Jeremy is reanimated, only to be seemingly swallowed by the earth at the foot of the Ward Stone.